From the age of two, I took on the identity as the “black sheep”. Soon everyone began to see me that way. I began to act like the “black sheep” too. The trauma I was enduring made me feel like I was crazy. That is how I know about the seduction of negativity. It has a way of compounding to the point of destruction. Unfortunately, I was led on that path for many years before God reintroduced Himself to me. My family had begun to label me as “anxious,” “moody,” and “withdrawn” when I was eight years old.
“Well, there’s my little worry wart!” my father said as he walked past me sitting at the kitchen table in the farmhouse. I felt the familiar veil of shame engulf me. “Worry wart” had become one of my nicknames. I was always worrying about something. There was something horribly wrong with me.
Dad grabbed food out of the refrigerator and sat down at the table. “It’s really nice out. Why don’t you go outside and play?”
“I don’t feel like it,” I said.
“Then go play a game. Keep your mind busy!”
I went to the living room to find a game. I knew I was moping, but I didn’t care. As I was sorting through the games, I heard my mother enter the kitchen.
“Is Joanie outside?” she asked.
“No. She’s looking for a game,” my father answered.
“I wish she would socialize more. She always sticks to herself,” my mother said.
“I know. She worries too much. We have to start pushing her to be more outgoing,” he replied.
As I listened, I thought about how I was happiest when I was alone. I knew no one would hurt me if I was alone. I decided that was how I was always going to be. I had already begun to think of myself as different from other people because of what was happening to me. I had convinced myself I was unlike everyone else and I had to “stick to myself”. Not only to avoid being hurt, but also because I was “damaged goods”. My life was a winding road. I was shown the negative in order to greatly appreciate the positive once I chose to embrace it. That is how the seed of insanity began to wind itself into my mind. My parents didn’t understand. How would anyone ever understand me?
Feeling completely alone with noone to understand is one of the worst feelings in the world. Luckily,
when I came to know God, I knew I had never been alone.
About the Book
Author: Diamante Lavendar
Genre: Women’s Fiction
Based on a true story, a new novel from Diamante Lavendar. Joan Eastman was born like any other girl. However her life would prove to be a life of great pain… Growing up, she was treated differently by family members, powerless to defend herself against their sexual and psychological abuse. Feeling she had been dealt a wicked hand by the “powers that be”, she spiraled into substance abuse and troubled relationships. She became a victim of addiction and self-hatred. Not giving up, she becomes aware of a greater spiritual being that protects her and she begins to heal. Then she finds herself pregnant. She learns to understand nothing is hopeless; that with a changed view and self discovery, there is real hope in every situation, no matter how difficult. As she and her husband look forward to the birth of their child, she writes in her diary as a way of expelling all of the evil memories. On bed rest for the duration of her pregnancy, she endures tests and tribulations that at first she couldn’t begin to understand. But no matter how high the hurdles in Joan’s life are, she doesn’t look back, and pulls the pieces of her life together…for herself and her unborn child. This inspirational story speaks of Joan’s gradual self acceptance and healing of her body, mind and spirit. It speaks of the possibilities of the future and the fulfillment of the dream of love and family. And it speaks of jumping the hurdles in life without looking back, no matter how high those hurdles may be
Diamante Lavendar has been in love with reading since she was a child. She spent many hours listening to her mother read to her when she was young. As she grew older, she enjoyed reading novels of all genres: horror, fantasy and some romance to name a few.
She began writing in college and published some poetry in anthologies over the years. After her kids were older, she wrote as a form of self expression and decided she wanted to share her stories with others.
Most of her writing is very personal and stems from her own experiences and those of her family and friends. She writes to encourage hope and possibility to those who read her stories.
Diamante believes that everyone should try to leave their own positive mark in the world, to make it a better place for all. Writing is the way that she is attempting to leave her mark—one story at a time.
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